Sierra Farks-A-Lot
by Trollarix
Summary: Fox's devoted follower, Urena Miyoshi, suddenly feels quite taken with someone else - and with a different kind of love...


_**Sierra Farks-A-Lot**_

 _by K.Y.S. Reynard_

* * *

 **Arc I: Requiem for A Renamon Rip-off**

 _Part I: An Unhealthy Obsession_

* * *

With feeble, chapped hands I grip the doorknob to my apartment. I open it, and outside I find my groceries. I never do the shopping myself; I always order food items online and have them delivered to my doorstep. I hate contact with anyone else.

Much as she did.

Gathering the bags in my arms, I glance suspiciously left and right down the hall to make sure no one sees me. Then, I retreat back inside and slam the door.

The groceries are typical for my diet; entirely ramen noodles, the only thing I'm capable of cooking, but they also remind me of Japan and… _her._ Part of me misses my mother's cooking, since she kicked me out of the house for my… obsession, shall we say.

I carry the groceries into my small, cramped apartment. Space is even tighter given my choice of interior decorating.

Wall-to-wall fluffy yellow carpet.

Shelves and TV trays populated by swarms of unlicensed Rena figurines.

A sofa occupied by various sizes of Rena plushies.

A life-size Rena dakimakura slouching on my bed.

The rest of the apartment, however, is trashed and disorderly. Besides my costly Rena paraphernalia, nothing is worth keeping clean. I never have the motivation. Trash litters the floor, dirty dishes flood the sink, and empty ramen containers pile sky-high out of my garbage bin.

Setting the ramen down on my small table, I enter the bathroom and decide to wash my hands for once. My reflection in the mirror is a sorry sight; my beard is ugly and unkempt—long to the point of looking like a frazzled octopus. My teeth are yellowed and filled with plaque—not too far from her bright fur color, actually. Still, my breath wreaks even to me, and I have a feeling if I bit someone they might die within 24-hours. I'm wearing the same red T-shirt I've always worn since moving into the apartment, along with the same comfy flannel pajama pants. But it's okay; I never have to go out, and my wife accepts me for who I am.

That's right. I married her. It was 1:00 AM in a Whole Foods, the frozen dinners aisle. Of course Rena wasn't there—I could only use my dakimakura at the time. I sigh, thinking about it. I could only manage a shadow of the real thing.

Having washed my hands I return to the small kitchenette and microwave two cups of ramen. When the noodles are nice and steaming hot I place the styrofoam cups on the table—one at my place, and one at hers. Across from me, seated on the opposite chair, is a cardboard Rena cutout, perpetually giving me a harsh, judgmental stare. Just the way I always remember her looking.

"Eat up, Rena-chan."

Of course she doesn't eat, so I always end up dumping the leftovers down the disposal. It helps her retain her petite figure. That, or I give the cold, soggy remnants to the hobo who frequents the bushes below my window. His name was Conrad Collins before they gave him the nickname "Naval-lint Lenny". He's a cool dude. I invite him inside sometimes.

As I chew the hot, sensuous noodles, I glance around my room some more. One shelf is entirely dedicated to the masterpiece that is _Sierra Foxtrot_ —all ten volumes and 51 chapters released so far. Printed out and custom-bound, they fill up the top two shelves. Well, two and a half if you count the holiday specials. Ah, the Christmas spinoff. If only Rena made her debut in the main story before I helped write that one. I smile fondly and stare past the Rena posters adorning my walls, a longing look on my face. If only I had a chance to write her, even if it was just for a few chapters. Then, maybe, I… I could have…

My spoon clatters onto the table, and I cradle my face in my hands.

"SHE'S GONE!" I scream, loud enough for the neighbors to hear me. "She's gone…"

My cries of agony and inner torture turn to sobs. Tears soak through my hands and rain into my ramen, adding to the sodium content which is already dangerously high. Yet ever since the chapter 51 update—the shittiest, cruelest, most torturous, anticlimactic, meaningless, backstabbing, unsympathetic chapter ever penned by that heartless monster of an author—this was how most of my meals went.

"WHY?!" I burst out again. Jumping up from the table, I hurl my ramen cup out the window, only to hear Naval-lint Lenny holler in surprise. "WHY DID YOU TAKE HER FROM ME?! CAN LIFE NEVER BE HAPPY IN YOUR EYES! IS NIHILISM YOUR GOD?!"

I pace around the room with a mad gleam in my eyes. _There has to be an answer. This can't be the end!_

Since that infamous update I haven't slept a single night. My entire time has been occupied by crying into my Rena pillow or pouring over my printed copy of Sierra Foxtrot. Many of the pages I printed off and taped to a cork board on the wall. I highlighted repeated phrases, connected the scenes with Rena using tacks and red twine, and drew over everything with black sharpie arrows. I considered every possibility, every way for Rena to still be alive. Maybe there was something from Desmond's lab that she pilfered—she mentioned plans for a jetpack that could help her survive the rocket flames. Or maybe she had private lessons with Flint Norris, teaching her more of Lucas's ways like how to cheat death.

I tried everything. I searched for symbolism—I read into the primary color pallets used for _SF's_ three main waifus. I counted how many times Rena's name was mentioned in the story and divided that by how many times pizza wheels appeared. Yet nothing yielded results! Nothing changed the fact that Rena. Was. Dead.

I turn to a complicated series of designs I carved into a bare spot on the floor—in fact the _only_ bare spot on the floor. Several nights ago I made a pentagram out of candles and Meshuggah CDs, but so far I have been unsuccessful at summoning Rena to this dimension. It must have something to do with Reynard _refusing_ to lend any of his OCs for my stories. His protective magic is too potent! Oh, why did I have to kill off Scarlet in _Hunting Party!_ Why did I have to ruin my chances at borrowing Rena? Because of that one misstep I can never feature her in my stories, no can I bring her back to life!

"Can you not see the irony, KS!?" I shout at the ceiling. "You would not lend Rena to me because you feared I would kill her off like I did Scarlet, but with no sense of hypocrisy or irony, you immediately proceed to kill her yourself—the very thing you were afraid _I_ would do!"

I fall to my knees on the floor, brushing aside the Meshuggah CDs and replacing them with Opeth. I relight the candles and chant in ancient Cerinian, " _Er Moblupav Piwpulduew Qenc, xvoico kbuwq dro Qboid Yovveg Ewo kilt de vupo! Xvoico xbevewq dro niyc ep dro Niaqrdob ep Vuqrd!"_

…But for the third straight night in a row, nothing happens. No magic flashes of light appear. No yellow vixen is summoned to my lonely apartment. It is all hopeless.

"Do not be disheartened, oh passionate reader. The Gods of Cerinia have heard your cries."

I look up and stare through bleary eyes at the new figure that materialized from thin-air. She is an onyx-furred vixen, with striking blue highlights across her face. Her features make her look both youthful and ancient at the same time—a sort of timeless look. She wears a black ceremonial robe which leaves one of her shoulders bare.

I do not rise from my kneeling position to show respect, for I recognize her immediately. "You-you are the High Priestess of Cerinia! Debuting in Arc VIII, Part 4, chapter 44!"

"That is correct, oh child of torment." When she spoke, her voice sounded like a throng of a thousand souls all whispering at once. "Your devotion for the Great Yellow One has not gone unnoticed. Your faith will be rewarded! Do you not remember how in chapter 44 I gave Rena the nectar of the Flower of Life so she would become immortal?"

"No! No I can't believe I missed that one fact!"

"Never would the Cerinian Gods be so cruel as to grant someone with eternal youth only to take that away from them within a week's time. Rena will live, my dear Elarix. And _you_ will save her."

I lay a hand on my chest, near speechless. "M-m-me? But how? No matter how hard I try, I can't summon her here!"

The High Priestess shook her head and _tsked_. "Oh the shortsightedness of mortals never fails to amuse me. If you cannot feature Rena in one of your stories, you will just have to feature _yourself_ in one of _Rena's_ stories."

"Ohhhh!"

Suddenly, purple licks of fire burst into existence around my pentagram, and a portal to another story fills the boundaries. Looking down I see the Earth-like planet of Lylat filled with many continents that are perpetually shifting and disappearing and reappearing in new locations, because KS can't seem to keep their geographical locations all straight in his head.

"Thank you!" I eagerly tell the High Priestess. Then, I cannonball through the portal and it closes behind me.

The ancient Cerinian lets out a breath and sits down at my table, eagerly digging into Rena's ramen. But Naval-lint Lenny invites himself in and sits down across from her, frightening her away with an 'Eep!'

* * *

\- § -

* * *

Still seething from the way Fara's family treated him at the funeral, Fox drove away from Warton towards the more remote mountain areas. While hurling that microphone through Fara's portrait was cathartic, he still felt that he had to get away from it all for awhile. As If Fara's death being pinned on him wasn't enough, he had also received news that his father had died as well. He needed time to think. He needed time to make sense of it all.

While driving up the mountain path Fox noticed a forest glen and a makeshift parking lot next to it. It would be the perfect place to stop and collect his thoughts.

He turned off the road and parked, then got out of his car and rushed into the woods. Stopping at the hollow between the trees, he fell to his knees on the leaf-strewn ground. Gazing upwards, he stared at the sky between the red, orange, and yellow foliage, as if searching for an answer. It felt like a doorway to heaven had opened, the light from which shone down on him.

Looking up at the heavens, Fox shouted, "Why did you let all of this happen to me? Is this some kind of sick joke to see how miserable you can make me? I don't have a freaking clue why my mom wanted me to believe in you. Is it all part of your 'master plan' to make me suffer for no reason? Answer me!"

Then Fox's phone rang, and he froze. He hadn't expected that. Paws shaking furiously he lifted the phone from his pocket and nearly dropped it. The caller ID simple read "UNKNOWN'. Fox couldn't believe who was calling him. Could it… could it really be…?

Without sparing another moment Fox swiped the lock away.

"God?" he whispered.

" _Hell yeah it's god, bitch! Also known as Elarix! I made it—I finally made it! Oh this feels great. I'm actually in a fanfiction! Oh let's see that fucking—'scuse me, farking—metal-supremacist try to kill Rena off now that_ I'm _here! Ha-ha-haaa!"_

Fox's ears lowered and he scowled. "Dooo youuu have the wrong number son?"

" _Naw this is the right number. Fox McCloud, right? Well I have news for you, loser. I'm about to steal Rena right from under your nose! No more being infatuated with you, no more being in love with this Lucario pussy, no more dying in a fiery explosion like every other female character Reynard wrote. Seriously, count 'em: there's Scarlet several times, Miyu, Agatha, Rena… it goes on. It's_ Sierra Foxtrot, _baby! But this time_ I'm _in it! Let's see him try to kill Rena now—"_

Growling, Fox ended the call and pocketed his phone. He needed to get back to moping. Whoever this Elarix kid was, he had a strong feeling their personalities weren't going to gel.

* * *

\- § -

* * *

Several days later, morning dawned over Titania. Fox and his steadily growing team of mercenaries had spent the night in a hotel at Abrugarvo. President Vinca was running for reelection and had chosen that day to hold a rally to cement her hold over the populous city. It was Foxfire Enterprise's job to protect her during the rally. The incumbent's support of the controversial COMMERCE agreement did not make her a popular candidate, and they had intel that she could be in danger that day.

Fox's alarm buzzed, and he shifted over in his bed to silence it. He wanted to get an early start that day, so he immediately flung the covers off himself and hopped out of bed.

Rena was still peacefully sleeping in the room's adjacent bed. Normally sleeping in the same room with a young woman would've raised eyebrows—especially since Fox didn't bother to wear anything except boxers. But the fact that Rena was asexual and had ABSOLUTELY NO SEXUAL ATTRACTION TO FOX WHATSOEVER made him feel more comfortable.

Regardless, they risked being late to Vinca's rally, so Fox had to wake her up fast. The yellow vixen lay curled up beneath the sheets with only her fluffy ears protruding.

"Time to get up, Rena," Fox murmured. He padded over the floor to her bedside, but all the small fox did was emit a gentle, blissful sigh of contentment.

Fox leaned over her sleeping form and repeated, "Hey, Rena—wake up."

Still no answer.

Well, if talking to her got no response, he would have to resort to other more physical tactics. Reaching down, he tickled one of Rena's exposed ears with his index finger until it twitched in annoyance. All was quiet, until—

The covers flew off of Rena's bed, revealing it had not one, but _two_ occupants.

"Yikes! What the—"

"Surprise bitch! It's me again!"

Fox stumbled backwards, bewildered to see a young, hairless ape creature snuggling under the covers with his teammate.

"Who the fuck are you? Better yet, _what_ the fuck are you?!"

" _Homo Senpai-ns,_ bitch! I've come to steal your Rena-chan!"

" _Rena_ is not on the market!" Fox retorted. "She has a platonic relationship with me, and that's it! She hates sex, so good luck with her." Turning to Rena, he asked, "Did you let him in here? How long have you known he was in your bed?"

Rena merely shrugged. "Don't look at me, I don't remember dragging his pathetic ass in here." Then, after studying Elarix for a few seconds, she added, "Though he is kinda cute in a sad, endearing way. What's your name, twink?"

"Unacceptable!" Fox said, putting his foot down. "I would expect something like this from Scarlet, but from _you_ of all OCs?!"

Elarix waved his hand. "Man, fuck Scarlet."

"Ooh, I'm starting to like you already!" Rena giggled.

Fox glanced back and forth between the two cuddling figures, disgusted. Finally it became too much for him and he ran off to the bathroom, depositing his projectile vomit into the porcelain receptacle found therein.

* * *

\- § -

* * *

Within the hour Foxfire Enterprises reported to the amphitheater where Clinto—I mean Vinca was holding her rally. They spread out and took up positions around the building, keeping an eye out for anyone looking suspicious. Besides a troupe of nuns—Rena always viewed organized religion with suspicion, though she did appreciate their vows of chastity—no one jumped out at her as being a possible assassin.

But just when Vinca began crowing her speech, a security agent named Meriweather went AWOL and refused to respond. Sensing something was awry, the security captain called off the rally to preemptively save Vinca's life.

"We're shutting this down—now," she spoked into her radio unit. "Our intelligence suggests that someone is here to assassinate President Vinca, and I wouldn't put it past Meriweather to do it. Guard staff and all mercenaries, hold your positions. We're getting the President off the stage."

Rena quickly ran through a mental list of faces and people she had passed by that day, but she kept coming back to one in particular—one of the nuns had broken off from the others and gone upstairs. Maybe Rena had only imagined it, or she was just leaving to use the restroom, but the more Rena thought about it…

" _Oh, fark. It's the nun!"_

Sprinting off in the direction of the stairs, she repeated out loud, "It's the nun!" She dashed up the steps, heart beating like a drum while her pulse quickened. At the top she found a hallway with rooms that overlooked the stage where Vinca's podium stood. Most of the doors were open, but one was suspiciously closed.

Realizing the spurious nun was probably behind that door, Rena ran towards it and jumped, kicking inwards with both her feet. The door broke open and fell into the room, startling the nun. She was perched at the windowsill, just on the tail end of assembling a compact rifle. Rena rushed over to the nun and ripped off her cowl, saying, "Oh no you don't!"

To her surprise she revealed none other than a rage-filled face of a human beneath the hood.

"E-Elarix?"

"Sorry Rena-chan, but I have to go through with this. I can't let you stop me!"

"What are you doing here?!"

"What does it look like I'm doing? I came to assassinate Hillary Clinton!" He jammed the last piece of the gun into place. "I can't believe KS actually voted for that corporate-owned hag! Like… what was he thinking?" Then lifting the rifle over the windowsill and staring down the sights, he exclaimed, "This is for future President Donald Trump!"

With a loud _crack,_ the rifle went off, sending a deadly bullet spiraling across the amphitheater and into Vinca's torso. A spray of blood erupted from the wound, but that wasn't the end of it.

"This is for anti-globalism!"

He pulled the trigger again, creating another loud report that deafened Rena's ears.

"This is for the death of social justice!"

A third bullet shot from the rifle, striking home in a gory display.

"This is for anime!"

 _BANG!_

"This is for Pepe the frog!"

 _BANG!_

"And this is for ruining Pokémon Go!"

 _BANG!_

Once the human got it out of his system, he dropped the rifle onto the floor and slumped against the wall, panting.

Pulling a pair of pizza wheels from the open suitcase next to him, he asked, "Now that we have that out of the way, up for dismembering some innocent civilians?"

"Fark yeah!"

* * *

\- § -

* * *

With the unsuccessful mission to save President Vinca, and an ultimately fruitless boss fight with Rafa, Fox's team returned to their base for some much-needed R&R. To make matters worse, Rena had gone on a rampage and murdered a ridiculous amount of civilians with that Elarix creep who wouldn't stop stalking his yellow-furred teammate. And _this_ time they had failed at saving President Vinca, so Titania's government was going much harder on them.

Fox needed a way to ease the tension, so he sought out his base's hot tub, which was installed next to the pool beside the gym.

Inside he found the room dark—only illuminated by the lights from the outside hallway and the glowing aquamarine lights from inside the hot tub. Fox stopped a few paces away from the bubbling pool, recognizing Rena's silhouette against the dim lights. Her clothes lay in a pile beside the tub.

"Well, I didn't expect to find you here," Fox commented. "But since you are, there's something I need to talk to you about."

"Hmph. I've had to deal with enough crap already. But I'll talk to you on one condition: that you join me."

Fox looked around and awkwardly scratched the back of his head. "I really don't feel comfortable doing this. I know you don't feel any sexual attraction for me, but you know my biology doesn't work the same way, don't you Rena? We shouldn't be naked in a tub togeth—"

Suddenly Fox felt himself shoved to the side and into the cold, dark pool adjoining the hot tub. When his head broke above the surface again, he heard, "Move bitch! Get out the way!"

After spitting out a mouthful of chlorine and beginning to tread water, Fox yelled, " _You_ again! Didn't I tell you to stay away from Rena?!"

Elarix proudly stood in front of Fox, feet firmly planted on the tiled floor and hands on his hips. To Fox's horror the scrawny human wore nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Sorry Fox, but nothing can come between me and my Rena-chan. It's fate. It's in a prophecy! …somewhere."

"Don't you go anywhere near her!"

Elarix rubbed his hands together. "And now it's time to get me some of that authentic Japanese-culture: communal bathing!"

Before Fox could protest any further, the human dropped into the spa and smoothly slid up to Rena's side, suggestively rubbing shoulders with her. "Hey babe! Miss me after all that fun we had?"

"Fun!" Fox spat while climbing out of the pool. "You mean you two—?"

"Aw heck no, bitch! You think I'd force myself on this pretty piece of fur over the course of a couple chapters? Geez Fox, it's like you only have Scarlet and Krystal throwing themselves at you and don't understand how to make love to anyone else. You have to coax a tsundere out of her shell, gently, and with finesse."

"And how exactly are you going to do that?" Fox asked indignantly. "You're going to have a hard time convincing me you have _anything_ to offer Rena."

"Actually I have the perfect plan. I'll simply accept her for who she is. It's a great plan, trust me! I've seen Lucas do it, so I know all of Rena's weak points. Like this!"

He began rubbing Rena's breastbone underneath the water, which elicited an involuntary purr from the vixen.

"Oh, you're right. That does feel nice!"

"Hope it does!" Elarix looked straight at the metaphorical camera of your mind's eye while continuing, "See, most readers won't know this unless you were a fan of KS before late 2014 or so, around when he deleted his first story. The scene in chapter 44 where Lucas caresses Rena's chest in the Cerinian bathtub mirrors the scene in Iridium Chronicle chapter 2, where Krystal rubs Fox's chest as he bathes. There's much more significance than what the average reader will attach to it. It's like poetry. They rhyme!"

"Tell me Elarix, why are you so attracted to me?" Rena asked, looking at the human with vulnerable, glassy blue eyes.

"Well Rena, I'm glad you asked that. See, most base readers with half a brain and runaway libidos will be attracted to Scarlet, the bustiest of Reynard's OCs. Her, or Krystal, because she's rather vanilla and is submissive like the classic ideal woman. There's no substance to either of them besides their looks, really. Scarlet will drop you when she gets bored of you, and Krystal will literally suck the shit out of your ass if you tell her to, because she can't say 'no'. Give me a man who appreciates you, my Rena-chan, and _that_ is a man of culture! You have the best character design out of all of Reynard's female OCs—even better than Krystal, I might add. You may be heavily inspired by Renamon fanart, but the final product bears little resemblance to her. You have good taste in music. You have a great wardrobe choice. And you're badass! Cutting people down with pizza wheels? Hacking into security networks, putting together weaponized drones and cyborg legs? That takes brains! And you know how to use those weapons. Why you nearly kicked Rafa's ass back in chapter 24, Arc V. In fact, if you swung that pizza wheel horizontally instead of vertically, you might've lopped off his head, thus prematurely ending the story and surviving, rendering my entire reason for being here… moot…"

Elarix trailed off and coughed, awkwardly. "Anyway, all that's not to say you also don't have good lucks. Most people who don't watch anime don't know the attractive appeal of a cute girl with a small body type, but I guarantee ya, they're missing out. Well, as long as you can ignore the fact that Japan has a much lower age of consent and you might be fantasizing about a high schooler… but I was in high school not too long ago, so fuck it! Fuck the FBI too! They have my address; they know the shows I watch. Point is, you don't need a big bust or a thicc ass like Scarlet to be attractive. Like food or music or anime, different men have different tastes, and you literally check off each and every one of my tastes! You meet _all_ of my standards!"

Elarix took Rena's hand in his own, voice softening. "You must understand, Rena, I don't have to _try_ to love you for who you are. Nor do you have to _try_ to appeal to me. You already do so in every way. Your design is great, your wardrobe is great, you're hilariously spunky and badass, you hate the guts of most men who try to get close to you, you're a total tsundere—and dare I say it, yandere?—and you have a flat chest and cute ass. To me, in every way, you're just perfect. It's as simple as that."

"R-really?" Rena sniffed. She tried drying her eyes with her paw, but only succeeded in making them wetter with the hot tub water. Wrapping her arms around Elarix's shoulders she stared into his eyes and blurted out as sincerely as possible, "I will literally love any lowlife who utters those words to me!" Then, she planted a massive kiss on his lips.

Fox tried to sprint away so fast that he slipped on the wet tile floor, spraying the vomit he had been saving for the toilet into the pool.

"What have you done to my Rena?!" he choked out.

"Oh, you're leaving, Fox? 'Cause I invited Miyu and Fay to make out in this spa again, and they said Black Mamba wasn't lesbian but she was 'willing to give it a go' or something. It may get a little crowded, but I can't please all these girls at once."

"No, I-I need to get out of here!" Nearly slipping in his own barf, Fox raced out of the pool room and disappeared down the hall in a flash.

Elarix shrugged and returned to grinning at Rena. "Well, more for me I guess!"

* * *

\- § -

* * *

Zero hour had come. East Fortuna had given its ultimatum. Corneria could roll over and play dead, or fight.

They chose to fight.

Pepper sent Fox and his team in a last ditch-effort attempt to stop Rafa before he could bring about the deaths of countless civilians. He was planning to launch in ICBM with a nuclear warhead, and it was Fox's mission to neutralize that threat before Rafa could commit nuclear holocaust.

At the moment, an unlikely pair of vixens was rushing down an ominous-feeling tunnel. From the look of it, the passage was meant to ferry the exhaust fumes of the rocket away from the launch site. Rena and Scarlet could see a dull ruddy glow at the opposite end, signaling where the rocket was.

"Come on, let's move!" she urged Scarlet, who lagged behind her slightly.

The girls sprinted down the length of the tunnel, but to their horror a klaxon began echoing through the enclosed space, originating close to the ICBM. The engines began prepping to launch and with their awesome force began to shake the entire tunnel. The red light blinked furiously now.

" _No! This can't be happening!"_

For less than an instant, Rena hesitated to think. I myriad of thoughts raced through her head. She had caused the world enough trouble already; perhaps it was her turn to atone—to give it something in exchange for the pain and suffering she had wrought. What use was there in denying it? She was selfish and cold. She couldn't empathize or feel the pain of others, and she was introverted beyond saving. She hated others, plain and simple. But maybe, just _maybe,_ she could make up for that. If she had to sacrifice to set things to right and change her legacy, so be it.

She hated Scarlet with a passion, but that meant she was the best place to start. She opened her mouth to warn her to leave, but a familiar figure appeared running towards them, magnificently silhouetted against the bright white light of the tunnel's mouth. When he drew closer they realized it was none other than Elarix, huffing and wheezing as he carried a bloated-bomb shape device in his arms.

"Elarix? Is that you?!" Rena exclaimed.

Scarlet gestured at the weapon he carried with him. "Where in Lylat did you find a _nuke?!"_

Elarix paused long enough to explain, "Arc IX, Part 1, chapter 45. Flint Norris' front yard. I beat him to death in a kung fu fight 'cause the old fucker wouldn't hand it over. And then the _real_ Chuck Norris showed up too, and I whooped him good as well! Then I sprinted with the nuke all the way back here. Anyway, you girls better run while you still have the chance!"

"But you can't survive a nuclear explosion!"

Scarlet grabbed Rena's arm and pulled her back. "Shh, let him!"

"Relax girls, I know what I'm doing." Taking a deep breath he sprinted the rest of the way down the tunnel yelling, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"

By the time Rena and Scarlet made it clear from the tunnel, a seven-kiloton blast shook the entirety of the region, completely annihilating the rocket launch site and all of the facilities' remaining defenses. Of course Rafa was still alive fighting Fox and Krystal, but idk how that's gonna pan out yet so lol moving on…

* * *

\- § -

* * *

In the aftermath of the East Fortunan conflict, Fox and company fucked off to wherever, idc, but I retreated to one of the Cerinian islands with the official best girl of _Sierra Foxtrot,_ and now my eternal waifu, Rena. We got married in a beach-side wedding ceremony that put the one at Whole Food's to shame. This time we had someone besides Naval-flint Lenny to do the honors. It was Hyacinth, or whichever one always had her smokin' hot tits out, I forget.

At the moment I'm reclining on a deck chair setup on the beach of one such island, admiring the red, pink, and yellow colors of the Cerinian sunset. Resting by my side in a similar chair, of course, is Rena. She's dressed in the golden ceremonial brassiere and thong they gave her to wear in the ceremony in 44, only this time she feels brave enough to wear them without any extra covering, completely comfortable with her beauty now that I gave her the confidence. But like seriously, if the previous scene in that chapter was Lucas teaching her to be comfortable with her body, wouldn't it have made more sense to flaunt those skimpy clothes in front of the Cerinians instead of immediately going back to feeling insecure again? Ah fuck it, whatever. Reynard's _Sierra Foxtrot_ isn't canon anymore. This one is, obviously. But back to relaxing on this beach.

One of the many gorgeous Cerinian babes waiting on us hands me a coconut with a pina colada mixture sloshing around inside. I've only been of drinking age for two months, but my tolerance of alcohol has built up to the point where I can take tropical drinks such as this without completely gagging. I courteously thank her and begin sipping on the drink, sharing a loving expression with Rena as she begins drinking her own. A veritable harem of bikini-clad vixens surrounds us, constantly fanning, massaging, and otherwise keeping us comfortable.

"Ahhh," I let out a satisfied sigh and smack my lips. "You see KS, none of it had to turn out this way. You didn't have to arbitrarily kill Rena in 51, and I didn't have to insert myself into Sierra Foxtrot, save her, and marry her. It really didn't have to be this way, but you insisted on writing a couple lines you could easily change. Oh well, at least I get Rena this way."

Finishing my drink, I set it on a silver tray one of the Cerinians offers me, and she whisks it out of sight.

"I'll tell you what though. You could easily fix this. All you have to do is bullshit Rena back into existence. I don't care how you do it. But in the next chapter of _Sierra Foxtrot_ you better bring Rena back to life, or…" I playfully lift Rena from her chair and set her on my lap. "Or for the next installment of this story I will write the spiciest most explicit and depraved lemon you have ever read of me having hardcore sex with Rena, and it'll go on, and on, and _on,_ and ON, and—oh, what's that?"

A Cerinian bends down to whisper in my ear, and I resist the temptation to stare down her bikini top. I clench my fists and mentally repeat, _Boobs aren't everything, boobs aren't everything!_

"Okay, so apparently I'm bending the Fanfiction rules and pushing the guidelines of what can be considered "decent" enough as it is, so there will be no erotic follow up. But I'm warning you! 52 better reveal that Rena survived, or I'll have you playing a gig…

"…In _hell."_

"Now, if you'll excuse us," Rena winked, "We have to do some serious work to break down the walls of my asexuality!"

 **And we lived happily ever after.**

¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

* * *

 **(Edit: The blackmail worked! I WIN!)**


End file.
